The >>Diplomat! Report — Scare Tactics

>>Diplomat here reporting live from the Today Tonight set. The stench of Naomi Robson still haunts the halls here, some even say that if you repeat “Doll Bludger” 5 times in the mirror she will appear and well, the rest is so disturbing I don’t even want to type it (I can tell you it has something to do with Dancing With The Stars). I do beleive I promised another part to last weeks report on Dr Phil, but in the fear of being sued I decided to give it a miss (I aslo promised to write everyweek on a Monday, that too hasn’t been happening, but I’m getting it going now).
So firstly, what do I think of “Current Affairs” shows?
F***ing garbage. If it wasnt for stupid people who actually believed their stories, this crap would have dissapeared from viewing a long time ago, but alas, there are stupid people and they love to hear stories about how f***ed the world is and the next f***ing epedemic that has sweeped our shores.
Now, there are two shows I am talking about here, Today Tonight and A Current Affair. These two shows are so very different and original, the original part comes from showing the same story at different times during their half an hour time slot (I make joke yes?). These shows run the same stories over and over again, the horse has been flogged so badly it has already turned into glue and this glue has stuck itself firmly on Anna Corin’s face that she has a permanent smile that says “yes, this is bullshit”.
I investigated further into the old wardrobe of Naomi Robson and found myself a writer. I asked him how do they come up with these fantastic stories that kept me captivated for the time that they are on. Am I serious, no, but apparently the writers of Today Tonight don’t get sarcasim.
“Well you see, we split up the stories into two emotions, these being anger and fear. Now, we run four types of stories. Welfare cheats and shoddy tradesman go under the anger emotion and Immigration Invasions and Epidemics come under the fear emotion. We don’t know why we are popular, I just guess the people like good reporting”.
F***ing LIES!!!
So it turns out they dont get sarcasim, but they do know how to lie. Maybe they could find a comfy job in politics after they finish with their bullshit jobs on Today Tonight and A Current Affair.
Ok, so if they tell so much crap, why do people still watch it? Well, it’s because the writers understand that both anger ad fear block out any rational responses, when we see a story about Immigrants stealing Australian jobs, we dont ask ourselves, is this true? This is simply because we are so scared that there will be an invasion were we are forced out from our jobs, we continue to watch to see if there is any solution. Is there? Umm, it’s a bullshit story, you can’t have a solution when there is no problem. Another way they make their stories credible is through their numerous “experts”. When I say numerous, I mean in the tens of thousands, for every story there is a f***ing expert. I had a chat to one of their experts. This expert had just finished up on a story of the new epedemic hitting Australia through bacteria put on food during the packaging process in Australian factories. I asked what was their profession and what education level they had achieved.
“Well, I have worked in the Arnott’s factory for 3 months now as production line employee, oh and I never finished year 10″
I then asked how he could be an expert on these claims.
“Well, I came home with a box of bisquits, and my mum ate one, and she got sick. So yeah, I saw it first hand. Oh and Today Tonight paid me $1000 to do it”
My next question was if he was pissing me around and if he was really a scientist
“No, why would I piss you around. Australian’s have to know their lives are at risk because of this knew epedemic”
So, we are all scared and occasionally angry as a nation and Today Tonight and A Current Affair really know how to play up to this. Next time you see the cold Anna Coren just say no. Go watch The Day After Tomorrrow, that movie makes more sense in relation to the world than these tow shows do.
This is >>Diplomat signing out before Naomi Robson shows up and does the unthinkable to me.

Ask Why, Asshole

Take a seat boys and girls and I will tell you a story of magic, wonder, disbeleif and the greediest men in the world.
No, this is no Lord Of The Rings style story (it’s much better trust me), this is the story of Enron.
Now, I’m not going to pretend I know much about all the dealings of Enron, nor do I want to (trust me, it would take years and a PHD in Economics to fully understand), but I am aiming to give you the idea in this story. As all stories go, this too has a moral to be learnt and it will become ever so clear as I continue.
So, firstly, what is Enron. Enron began with the deregulation of natural energy, this basically means that tight restrictions controled by the government were lifted.
Enter Kenneth Lay (founder of Enron) he saw that deregulation meant money. Lots of it. But lots and lots of money wasnt enough, not nealry enough, Kenneth Lay wanted more so he set out to change the way natural resources were dealt with.
Enter Jeffery Skilling, Jeff would become CEO of Enron because of the way he changed the company. Jeff thought up of the wonderful idea of treating the natural resources industry as it’s own stockmarket where resources were traded like stocks and bonds.
So now we have Enron, not only producing its own energy, but also buying other peoples energy to sell. So you ask, how does this make the 111 Billion dollars it earned in 2000? Well this is where the story starts and it starts to get interesting.
Skilling became the idea man, a somewhat profit (Get it? It’s supposed to be prophet not profit. Hahahaha, oh forget it). Skilling used a method called Mark to Market accounting, this is where an estimate is made on future profits. So, this meant that Enron could estimate what it would earn from it’s assests in the future and present them as the current earnings.
WHAT!?!?!?!
So they could say, hmmm, this year we will make ummm, 111 Billion dollars?
YES!!!!
And this meant stocks skyrocketed.
At one time they were worth $90 a stock.
Doesnt that mean everyone wins?
Well here comes the downfall.
Mistake #1: Dabohl Project-
This was were they decided to dip their greedy hands into an untouched market, India. So they built a major plant to produce electricity overlooking one major flaw, India COULD NOT afford the energy. Although it was built, it was never used, it lays in financial ruin. Enron dumped 1 Billion dollars into this project but because of Mark to Market accounting they estimated that if Dabohl did take off it would make them rich. They posted this profit and executives recieved large bonuses.
Mistake #2: Caliafornia-
Now this was my favourite mistake, very entertaining. Enron owned the electricity for California thus it allowed them to switch on and off the power whenever they liked. Enron in the West coast was basically controlled by Enron traders, these people were ruthless, nasty people. They switched off the power and gave “rolling blackouts” to the West coast in order to make it seem like electricity was limited and in shortage. This meant that prices wet up for electricity, even though this meant that people were worse off. In a recorded conversation between two traders, one was quoted as saying (this is 100% real):
Enron Trader1- All that money you guys stole from those poor Grandmothers in Caliafornia
Enron Trader2- Yeah Grandma Mille, man
Enron Trader1- She’s the one who couldn’t figure out how to fucking vote on the Butterfly Ballot. Now she wants her fucking money back for all the power you charged up her ass
Enron Trader2- (laughs)
So, the West coast traders were making millions, infact they made 2 Billion for Enron, but it negatively charged their stocks and they came under investigation for criminal prosecutions.

Ok, so now we have Enron bleeding money, but still they were making a profit. How could this be? It’s impossible, except they had a card up their sleeve, Arthur Andersen accounting. These magicians moved Enron’s debts to their other “companies” most of these were fraudgalent. For instance the mysterious Lebanese banker Mr M Yass, or My Ass.

But it all came to an end when Enron ran out of ideas on how to keep proving they were making a profit and finally stocks crashed from $90 to 30c when it became bankrupt in October 2001. 20,000 of it’s employees lost 2 Billion in retirement funds and 1.8 Billion in wages. Many people are now unable to retire and will be working for the rest of their lives.
Both Jeff Skilling and Kenneth Lay are serving 21 year sentences.
Yes boys and girls, the moral.
Greeds a bitch.
As the Enron saying goes Ask Why, Asshole.

Special thanks to the movie and book: Enron, The Smartest People In The Room.

2007 Wrap-up

Well, it turned midnight and I happened to be laying in bed (i’m really sick) when I started to think about the year that was 2007. Then I had to type it up.
So what happened in 07?
Can it be said to be a year of difference?
A year of change?
In many ways… No
Yes, no change has come out of this year, now, I’m no peasamist but I am a realist.
Sure we have had a change in Prime Minister, ummm thats all I can think of. It’s a shame when disease and poverty run rampant and the world is self imploding from environmental disasters.
So why was this, well in my opinion it can be broken up into three groups that contributed to the slugish way this year moved. These catagories are:
1. The media
2. Government
3. You, yes you, I’m pointing right at you.
Ok so lets start with the basics, something everyone knows about. This year was the year of the most stupid role models in the history of role models (if you didn’t notice I am talking about people like Britteney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton). How can these people be news? All they do is drag society further and further back into pit of disgust. Really, how far do they have to go before they are classified as unfit for news status. Back in the 60’s Elvis Presely was never shown from the waste down because he was seen as way too provocative. Now if his dancing was enough to cause him to be publicly outlawed, why is it so different today? Our news was plagued with news of Britteney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, these people disgust me, and I don’t know why they arn’t publicly shamed for their actions. What do they have to do, kill someone? They set a bad example for young kids and they are only contributing to the backwards turn we have taken in society.
The government comes next. It’s like we are being run by a Magic 8-Ball.
Does global warming exist?
Don’t count on it.
Do we abolish debt for third world countries?
My sources say no
Should we continue to overun defenseless governments in the name of democracy?
Without a doubt
How many meetings of governments did we have? We had the G8 Summit (always a nice place for riots), Kioto Protocol Summit and most memorable APEC meetings just to name a few. What came of these meetings? Virtually nothing. Nothing. Why is this? I can’t explain it. It’t leaves me speechles to examine what governments have acheived to solve world problems. Maybe here is an answer.
THINK GLOBALLY NOT LOCALLY.
We need to solve global problems before we can fix our own. Why? Because if we don’t, what world will we have left to fix. I know many people who would disagree with this as they are more interested with our economy and making money rather than fixing the environment and poverty and these people bring me to my next point and our final point.
We all have a claim to making a difference, I for one have started this blog, anything to make a difference. Any small action can gather and in turn become a major occurance. People must give up the view of “I’m no one, I can’t make a difference” because if we all tried to make a difference we can make the world a much better place.
So, yes this was a year of nothing but there is always 2008!
Happy New Year everybody!!!
–Daniel

Captain Planet

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you Captain Planet’s obituary:
Born: 1990
Died: Sometime in the 21st Century
Cause of Death: Mullet which controlled the brain melted from global warming

Yes, there is no hope now. While governments argue over Kioto protocols and energy consumption decisions Captain Planet died.
Yep, governments piss away their time arguing while endagered species die, forests are knocked down, polar ice caps melt and habitat destruction is on a massive scale.
Why? Well, in fear of being unpopular, I place the blame solely on you, the reader.
People no longer care for the environment, when it comes to deciding between comfort or the environment, it’s only “natural” (joke for all you HSC students of Advanced English) to chose the comfort.
Here is the thing… STOP BEING LAZY!!!
How hard is it to turn off a light when a room is not being used, you can even sit in the dark with the t.v as your light.
Walk and use public transport for those shorter trips (believe me, you will not regret it when you skip all that traffic), it’s not that hard.
No?
You can’t live without your car or creature comforts.
Ok, fine but you can also live with hotter tempretures, higher sea levels and unbearable pollution.
Have fun with that.
Now it’s not too hard to see this, so I have put it into a nice little diagram
You–> Pollution–> Higher Tempreture–> Polar Ice Caps Melt/Animals die–> Higher Sea Levels–> Costal Destruction–> Thousands Die and Millions are homeless.
We then eventually get the catastrophic event of extreme weather phenomena’s which can lead to disarsterous effects.
All of this because you cannot turn a light switch off or stop using your cars for those shorter travels.
Please on the behalf of myself and our recently departed hero Captain Planet, help reduce the effects of global warming.
–Daniel

The >>Diplomat! Report — Dr Phil: Friend or Fiend, Part 1

>>Diplomat here, reporting live from the Dr Phil studio in Los Angeles. Now I’m not one to get all personal but Dr Phil rubs me the wrong way, maybe it’s his bald scalp reflecting light into my eyes or his f***ed up idea of helping.
What?
Did I say he wasnt helping anyone?
I did… Shiiiit.
Yes, now bare with me here, the crowd is getting a little roudy for their superstar.
“DR PHIL!!! DR PHILL!!!”
Does it remind you of something?
A few years ago, there was this show, Jerry Springer it was called. They also cheered in a similar manner “JERRY!! JERRY!!”
Now I’m no psychologist nor am I pretending to be one *cough* Dr Phil *cough*, but is the show really a bloodsport for people for desperate houswives and the unemployed.
Now here in Australia Dr Phil is played on channel 10 at miday, the exact same timeslot as Jerry Springer used to be before it was outlawed as being “immoral”. Yes, naughty Jerry for playing to your secret desires, but lets praise Dr Phil for doing the exact same thing except he dresses it up.
Dr Phil, you genious.
Now you may ask, how the f***k is it like Jerry Springer?
Well firstly, have you seen the new seating arrangements? Two long couches face each other, one for both parties. Now is that just asking for trouble? Dr Phil speaks less these days, and lets the parties fight it out with verbal slander. Oh, yes he still talks, he has to let you know he is still alive, he does this usually by cutting to a break or asking the same f****ing question “does this really help the situation?” Of course it doesnt you tard and you know it.
I spoke to one of his faithful at the studios.
“Isnt he fantastic? I mean he helps so many people, for free. Not many people do things for free these days. I just think he is wonderful”
She then asked me if I was part of Dr Phil’s production team and if I was going to give her something for free. I didn’t dignify her question with a response.
But yes, Dr Phil does give stuff away. Are you stupid? The more stuff he gives away, the more ratings he gets. He doesnt do it out of the kindness of his heart, he does it because it bennefits him.
So, who is Dr Phil really helping, himself or his so called “guests”? Well if we look at it, he is helping himself, you see he doesnt actually solve anything he tells them they have a problem and wraps up the show. Why, because more than anything in the world we want to see people who are worse off then ourselves so we can justify our petty little lives.
Dr Phil, definetly a fiend. A devil man more like it. Thanks Opera, we really needed this tard on T.V.
Just before I sign off, here is a sneek peek of part two — Dr Phil: The interview, Part 2
Dr Phil: This is going to be a changing day in your life
>>Diplomat: Your a hack

>>Diplomat signing off, until next week when I rejoin Daniel in Australia, not looking forward to that.

>>Diplomat! Report — Persian Rugs

Hi, >>Diplomat! here reporting live from the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium. Yes now I know we have no people actually reading this as we have yet, well Daniel and Amy have not yet advertised this umm, blog, if you can call it that. But yeah, no advirtisement which brings me to why I am at the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium, they are famouse for their T.V adds, you know, the one’s where they yell at you like your stupid or deaf. I’m not f***ing deaf, but thanks for trying to make me, you are certainly loud enough.
Were you ever annoyed by the adds where there was a warehouse full of junk no one wanted and it had to go by midnight tonight?
I was, oh and the liars stayed there for another three freakin weeks.
Are you sick of having your late night T.V viewing being over-run by “Paid-For-Presentations”?
If I wanted a damn bowflex, i wouldn’t be watching T.V, I would excersising.
Oh and the worst ever T.V adds, Mobile Phone Club adds. You want one ringtone, you end up paying $6 a freakin week.
WTF
I asked the crazy warehouse guy why he had to be so annoying and why he had to yell all the time, here is what he had to say.
“I JUST DIDN’T WANT YOU TO MISS OUT ON THE BARGINS!!! SAY YOU WERE IN THE OTHER ROOM, WE NEED YOU TO HEAR ABOUT OUR BARGINS, THEY ONLY LAST FOR USUALY ONE DAY, ENDING ON MIDNIGHT!!!”
He then insisted I buy a Persian Rug for $5.
“$5!!!! $5!!!! $5!!!!”
I had no choice but to buy the damn rug, turns out it was made in China, I suppose you get what you pay for. By this time I wanted to punch him in the teeth, yeah, that would shut him up.
So, why do they yell at you like your stupid?
Well because it gets your attention.
Why?I don’t know, I’m not a psychatrist.
Just as the Crazy Warehouse Guy got me to buy the $5 rug from the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium, they bring you in to buy the crap they have.
So, is this all so bad? Well no. I mean yes, you can get hit by the “Bait and Switch” run around, but it is unlikely that you are going to be screwed over by them. So now we get to the core of the problem, Internet Advirtising, the only advertising that makes you feel scared and genuinly repels people.
Ok, I say again WTF.
What do theses things do, “Press here 1 millionth visitor for your free prize”, who the f***k falls for that. You press it and ten days later your bank account is depleted and your credit card debt is threw the roof because you happened to fill out your details when they asked so you could recieve your super-dooper Ipod Nano. Why does this happen, because the internet is very hard to police and there are stupid people who are sooooo gullable they thought you were serious when you said “Use the knife to get the stuck toast out of the toaster… No, no, leave it plugged in”.
The next type of add comes in the form of a flash game. Oh WOW!! It’s soooo pretty, I must play. Yes, there are actually people who play these, even though they know once they win and they will because they are shit easy, their computer will lagg from the advertisements spammed across their screen. I even know one person who play these games, you guessed it, Daniel. Yep, I have walked past while he was on Myspace and he is trying to shoot the bunnies. Anyway, these games are a very good way of getting people to look at your products, which makes it very annoying because they are hard to resist.
Finally, the most annoying adds “SAY SOMETHING”. Yes, those damn talking smileys. I call Jihad on all talking smileys. Yes, it’s a site that relies on advertising, advertising. Who the hell actually gets these? Especially when your home alone and you accidently roll over the image and “SAY SOMETHING” scares the crap out of you. Good job guys in making both the most annoying and creepy advertisement all in one.
What happened to the day when an advirtisement didnt make you scared or yelled at you till your ears bleed? Maybe we would enjoy your products more if you could rid advertising of these elements. This is >>Diplomat!, now leaving the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium with $300 worth of hallway runners and carpets.
>>Diplomat!

Classifications in gaming

When does it stop?
When does the government have the right to decide whether or not someone can play a game?
Sure censorship prevents the 8 year old child from buying games they are not supposed to, but for someone who is older and passes the level of maturity, why is it that they have to suffer from the choices made by the government.
ONE: GAMES ARE NOT REAL!! Switch on the T.V and look at the news, murders, deaths and war are broadcasted during a time slot in which a child, the very which we seem to be protecting from games, can view. The stuff we see on the news is real, now im not saying that because it is on the news kids should be able to buy the latest MA rated game, what I am trying to say is that if you want to censor what your kids are expirirencing, simply turn it off or dont buy them the game, it comes down to one simple word… PARENTING.
TWO: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BUY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT TO BUY!! Censorship has never really effected me, the only real games that I have known within Australia to be banned was Manhunt. As of recently this has changed thanks to the nice people of the Office of Film and Literature Classification Australia, they had the kind hearts to protect me from the aweful monster of Soldier Of Fortune 2. Thanks Guys. Really, next time I think I need protection I will come right to you.
THREE: STICK TO YOUR DAMN JOB!!! It even says it in your name “Classification” you are not my legal custodian. If mummy doesn’t like the games I play, mummy doesn’t have to give me the $100 to go get it.
Here is the thing, im 18 years old, I want to buy a game I’m pretty sure wont damage me for the rest of my life, actually, I can put money on that.
Shout out to the people working for the Office of Film and Literature Classification, they admist all their faults, actually do protect children with the use classifications.
Just stay the hell out of outta the banning business and whatever you do, don’t ban World of Warcraft.
–Daniel

The >>Diplomat! Report

Diplomat here just letting you know every Monday the new “>>Diplomat! Report” will be posted. Now you may ask yourself, what is this report? Well it is ummm… Ummm… I will tell you when I know, but I am promising a very interesting read starting next Monday.
You want one now?
Do I look like in a position to report at the moment?
I mean, I just said I have no idea what I am reporting on. Do I look like a liar to you?
Oh, you can’t see me.
Oh well, your not missing out on much.
Until next week…