>>The Diplomat! Report — The Reverend Knows Best

>>Diplomat! here reporting live from the Westboro Baptist church in Kansas in the good old USA. Now firstly before I begin, I would like to say that it was a true loss when earlier this week Heath Ledger died and I feel for his parents and family. That being said, I report live from what I am figuring is the coldest place on earth, the church of Westboro Baptist. Now you may ask, why would I defame a place of worship and a people’s spiritual beliefs? Because really, these people are certainly no Christians.

No sooner they heard about the passing of Heath Ledger they decided to picket their anti-gay hate slogans outside his home. Now I’m not one to judge, but these people really have no heart. Through a pamphlet issued to their parishioners we see how heartless these poor excuses for human beings are, I quote directly from their pamphlet “Heath Ledger is now in hell, and has begun serving his sentence there”. What the F**K!! These people seriously need some sort of f***ing adjustment to their ways of thinking because, umm, how would they like me to come to their child’s funeral and say they were going to hell. Now this group haven’t suddenly come out of the blue, they had their claim to fame when they protested at dead soldiers funerals from Iraq. Another sick act from these things, I can’t even call these things people because that would be acknowledging them as human beings, you see human beings don’t do this.

Now who would be responsible in organizing these utterly stupid protests, none other than the totally f***ed up Fred Phelps. Who raised this guy, a freakin hick? You can just see it now, he lives in a shack out in the everglades much like the habitation in the movie “The Waterboy”. Well, at least Bobby Boucher came out of it to become an ok individual. Fred Phelps has been integral in creating such sites as GodHatesFags.com, now I am not including a link because I am sure this site would make you sick. Although some might not agree in the choice of the lifestyle of homosexuality, they are not going to do what Fred Phelps has done, no one is this sick.

I discussed this groups stance with one of their members, they simply answered by using their slogans (these slogans are 100% real). I asked why they do this type of defamation which I was shown a sign that read “God hates fags”. That was expected but I wanted to go further so I probed a little more asking why they believed that homosexuals should be treated like this and yet again I received a response that is typical of a backward hick “Fags Doom Nations”. By this time I wanted to really punch them into a ummm, no need to know, but it wouldn’t be pretty. As they filed through their signs to find the right answers to my questions I noticed other disturbing signs such as “God Hates Fag Enablers”, “Fags Are Worthy of Death” and “Thank God for AIDS”.

These people really do make me sick. The best solution to remove these people, don’t pay attention to them. If I myself did live in the US, I might even think to protest at one of their Sunday church worships. So, umm here is my messages to you Mr Phelps go think about how that when you pass, and you will, how you want to be judged, oh and F**K YOU!This is >>Diplomat! signing off and getting out of this frozen hell before I start a fire and burn the place down. It’s a felony you know?

The >>Diplomat! Report — Scare Tactics

>>Diplomat here reporting live from the Today Tonight set. The stench of Naomi Robson still haunts the halls here, some even say that if you repeat “Doll Bludger” 5 times in the mirror she will appear and well, the rest is so disturbing I don’t even want to type it (I can tell you it has something to do with Dancing With The Stars). I do beleive I promised another part to last weeks report on Dr Phil, but in the fear of being sued I decided to give it a miss (I aslo promised to write everyweek on a Monday, that too hasn’t been happening, but I’m getting it going now).
So firstly, what do I think of “Current Affairs” shows?
F***ing garbage. If it wasnt for stupid people who actually believed their stories, this crap would have dissapeared from viewing a long time ago, but alas, there are stupid people and they love to hear stories about how f***ed the world is and the next f***ing epedemic that has sweeped our shores.
Now, there are two shows I am talking about here, Today Tonight and A Current Affair. These two shows are so very different and original, the original part comes from showing the same story at different times during their half an hour time slot (I make joke yes?). These shows run the same stories over and over again, the horse has been flogged so badly it has already turned into glue and this glue has stuck itself firmly on Anna Corin’s face that she has a permanent smile that says “yes, this is bullshit”.
I investigated further into the old wardrobe of Naomi Robson and found myself a writer. I asked him how do they come up with these fantastic stories that kept me captivated for the time that they are on. Am I serious, no, but apparently the writers of Today Tonight don’t get sarcasim.
“Well you see, we split up the stories into two emotions, these being anger and fear. Now, we run four types of stories. Welfare cheats and shoddy tradesman go under the anger emotion and Immigration Invasions and Epidemics come under the fear emotion. We don’t know why we are popular, I just guess the people like good reporting”.
F***ing LIES!!!
So it turns out they dont get sarcasim, but they do know how to lie. Maybe they could find a comfy job in politics after they finish with their bullshit jobs on Today Tonight and A Current Affair.
Ok, so if they tell so much crap, why do people still watch it? Well, it’s because the writers understand that both anger ad fear block out any rational responses, when we see a story about Immigrants stealing Australian jobs, we dont ask ourselves, is this true? This is simply because we are so scared that there will be an invasion were we are forced out from our jobs, we continue to watch to see if there is any solution. Is there? Umm, it’s a bullshit story, you can’t have a solution when there is no problem. Another way they make their stories credible is through their numerous “experts”. When I say numerous, I mean in the tens of thousands, for every story there is a f***ing expert. I had a chat to one of their experts. This expert had just finished up on a story of the new epedemic hitting Australia through bacteria put on food during the packaging process in Australian factories. I asked what was their profession and what education level they had achieved.
“Well, I have worked in the Arnott’s factory for 3 months now as production line employee, oh and I never finished year 10″
I then asked how he could be an expert on these claims.
“Well, I came home with a box of bisquits, and my mum ate one, and she got sick. So yeah, I saw it first hand. Oh and Today Tonight paid me $1000 to do it”
My next question was if he was pissing me around and if he was really a scientist
“No, why would I piss you around. Australian’s have to know their lives are at risk because of this knew epedemic”
So, we are all scared and occasionally angry as a nation and Today Tonight and A Current Affair really know how to play up to this. Next time you see the cold Anna Coren just say no. Go watch The Day After Tomorrrow, that movie makes more sense in relation to the world than these tow shows do.
This is >>Diplomat signing out before Naomi Robson shows up and does the unthinkable to me.

The >>Diplomat! Report — Dr Phil: Friend or Fiend, Part 1

>>Diplomat here, reporting live from the Dr Phil studio in Los Angeles. Now I’m not one to get all personal but Dr Phil rubs me the wrong way, maybe it’s his bald scalp reflecting light into my eyes or his f***ed up idea of helping.
What?
Did I say he wasnt helping anyone?
I did… Shiiiit.
Yes, now bare with me here, the crowd is getting a little roudy for their superstar.
“DR PHIL!!! DR PHILL!!!”
Does it remind you of something?
A few years ago, there was this show, Jerry Springer it was called. They also cheered in a similar manner “JERRY!! JERRY!!”
Now I’m no psychologist nor am I pretending to be one *cough* Dr Phil *cough*, but is the show really a bloodsport for people for desperate houswives and the unemployed.
Now here in Australia Dr Phil is played on channel 10 at miday, the exact same timeslot as Jerry Springer used to be before it was outlawed as being “immoral”. Yes, naughty Jerry for playing to your secret desires, but lets praise Dr Phil for doing the exact same thing except he dresses it up.
Dr Phil, you genious.
Now you may ask, how the f***k is it like Jerry Springer?
Well firstly, have you seen the new seating arrangements? Two long couches face each other, one for both parties. Now is that just asking for trouble? Dr Phil speaks less these days, and lets the parties fight it out with verbal slander. Oh, yes he still talks, he has to let you know he is still alive, he does this usually by cutting to a break or asking the same f****ing question “does this really help the situation?” Of course it doesnt you tard and you know it.
I spoke to one of his faithful at the studios.
“Isnt he fantastic? I mean he helps so many people, for free. Not many people do things for free these days. I just think he is wonderful”
She then asked me if I was part of Dr Phil’s production team and if I was going to give her something for free. I didn’t dignify her question with a response.
But yes, Dr Phil does give stuff away. Are you stupid? The more stuff he gives away, the more ratings he gets. He doesnt do it out of the kindness of his heart, he does it because it bennefits him.
So, who is Dr Phil really helping, himself or his so called “guests”? Well if we look at it, he is helping himself, you see he doesnt actually solve anything he tells them they have a problem and wraps up the show. Why, because more than anything in the world we want to see people who are worse off then ourselves so we can justify our petty little lives.
Dr Phil, definetly a fiend. A devil man more like it. Thanks Opera, we really needed this tard on T.V.
Just before I sign off, here is a sneek peek of part two — Dr Phil: The interview, Part 2
Dr Phil: This is going to be a changing day in your life
>>Diplomat: Your a hack

>>Diplomat signing off, until next week when I rejoin Daniel in Australia, not looking forward to that.

>>Diplomat! Report — Persian Rugs

Hi, >>Diplomat! here reporting live from the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium. Yes now I know we have no people actually reading this as we have yet, well Daniel and Amy have not yet advertised this umm, blog, if you can call it that. But yeah, no advirtisement which brings me to why I am at the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium, they are famouse for their T.V adds, you know, the one’s where they yell at you like your stupid or deaf. I’m not f***ing deaf, but thanks for trying to make me, you are certainly loud enough.
Were you ever annoyed by the adds where there was a warehouse full of junk no one wanted and it had to go by midnight tonight?
I was, oh and the liars stayed there for another three freakin weeks.
Are you sick of having your late night T.V viewing being over-run by “Paid-For-Presentations”?
If I wanted a damn bowflex, i wouldn’t be watching T.V, I would excersising.
Oh and the worst ever T.V adds, Mobile Phone Club adds. You want one ringtone, you end up paying $6 a freakin week.
WTF
I asked the crazy warehouse guy why he had to be so annoying and why he had to yell all the time, here is what he had to say.
“I JUST DIDN’T WANT YOU TO MISS OUT ON THE BARGINS!!! SAY YOU WERE IN THE OTHER ROOM, WE NEED YOU TO HEAR ABOUT OUR BARGINS, THEY ONLY LAST FOR USUALY ONE DAY, ENDING ON MIDNIGHT!!!”
He then insisted I buy a Persian Rug for $5.
“$5!!!! $5!!!! $5!!!!”
I had no choice but to buy the damn rug, turns out it was made in China, I suppose you get what you pay for. By this time I wanted to punch him in the teeth, yeah, that would shut him up.
So, why do they yell at you like your stupid?
Well because it gets your attention.
Why?I don’t know, I’m not a psychatrist.
Just as the Crazy Warehouse Guy got me to buy the $5 rug from the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium, they bring you in to buy the crap they have.
So, is this all so bad? Well no. I mean yes, you can get hit by the “Bait and Switch” run around, but it is unlikely that you are going to be screwed over by them. So now we get to the core of the problem, Internet Advirtising, the only advertising that makes you feel scared and genuinly repels people.
Ok, I say again WTF.
What do theses things do, “Press here 1 millionth visitor for your free prize”, who the f***k falls for that. You press it and ten days later your bank account is depleted and your credit card debt is threw the roof because you happened to fill out your details when they asked so you could recieve your super-dooper Ipod Nano. Why does this happen, because the internet is very hard to police and there are stupid people who are sooooo gullable they thought you were serious when you said “Use the knife to get the stuck toast out of the toaster… No, no, leave it plugged in”.
The next type of add comes in the form of a flash game. Oh WOW!! It’s soooo pretty, I must play. Yes, there are actually people who play these, even though they know once they win and they will because they are shit easy, their computer will lagg from the advertisements spammed across their screen. I even know one person who play these games, you guessed it, Daniel. Yep, I have walked past while he was on Myspace and he is trying to shoot the bunnies. Anyway, these games are a very good way of getting people to look at your products, which makes it very annoying because they are hard to resist.
Finally, the most annoying adds “SAY SOMETHING”. Yes, those damn talking smileys. I call Jihad on all talking smileys. Yes, it’s a site that relies on advertising, advertising. Who the hell actually gets these? Especially when your home alone and you accidently roll over the image and “SAY SOMETHING” scares the crap out of you. Good job guys in making both the most annoying and creepy advertisement all in one.
What happened to the day when an advirtisement didnt make you scared or yelled at you till your ears bleed? Maybe we would enjoy your products more if you could rid advertising of these elements. This is >>Diplomat!, now leaving the Cheap Persian Rug Emporium with $300 worth of hallway runners and carpets.
>>Diplomat!

The >>Diplomat! Report

Diplomat here just letting you know every Monday the new “>>Diplomat! Report” will be posted. Now you may ask yourself, what is this report? Well it is ummm… Ummm… I will tell you when I know, but I am promising a very interesting read starting next Monday.
You want one now?
Do I look like in a position to report at the moment?
I mean, I just said I have no idea what I am reporting on. Do I look like a liar to you?
Oh, you can’t see me.
Oh well, your not missing out on much.
Until next week…